Sunday, March 9, 2014


As of lately I've been wondering do I just give up on hope? It's quite a dilemma I have on one hand I dearly want to. I want to say screw hope but on the other hand I can't. In all my being I can not give up on it. They are for two very very different reasons and that's why I am left where I am. Pondering what do I do? 
Lack of hope is a very dreadful place and leads to feelings of a depressing future whereas if you have hope your future seems brighter with more possibilities..I know the answer seems to be right there but it's not bc of the other reason..the reason I'm trying to forgot. Though maybe that is my answer once I forgot him then I won't have to give up on hope, I will just for now. Just until I'm over this huge painful event in my life but that could take years and I don't want to deal with my illness for years without hope I'll end up killing myself. Gawd. Why is this so hard? I'm sure the answer will present itself some way. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

You know I haven't posted on here in over 2 years. A lot has happened in 2 years..Some good, Some bad but all in all. My life is still the same..well for one exception...I am now broken. I am broken to a point in which I do not think I can piece myself back together again. There will always be a part of me that is missing.
I always thought that I had reached rock bottom. I thought I had been there and climbed my way back, but looking back I realize that was nothing compared to what I am going through now. It just prepared me. It prepared me know what pain and hurt was. So that when this happened I would have a full grasp of what it was and to know that nothing that I have ever felt before would compare to this. Its kind of strange to think in that terms. To know that the awful pain and experiences that you survived only somewhat prepared you for your total destruction. Have you ever felt that way? Do you know what it is like to have half your soul ripped from you? Im sure some do but the masses don't. They don't know the pain that is involved with this and that nothing in your life has prepared you for this.
I am broken. I get that. I also get that I am never good enough. That there is always a better choice. That I will never be the girl of anyones dreams. I now get that. That is something that is the hardest to get a grasp on. To truly know that you will be alone forever bc no one will fight for you, will wan to be with you above all other things. That you as person will never be good enough. I get that now. No matter how nice I am or what I do for anyone it will never be enough. Sad really...but I guess its good to know that before you go wasting your life looking for someone to spend it with. I know I will always be alone. I will always be sad and that the smile I force will always be fake.
I am broken...and for once I am okay with that.