Lack of hope is a very dreadful place and leads to feelings of a depressing future whereas if you have hope your future seems brighter with more possibilities..I know the answer seems to be right there but it's not bc of the other reason..the reason I'm trying to forgot. Though maybe that is my answer once I forgot him then I won't have to give up on hope, I will just for now. Just until I'm over this huge painful event in my life but that could take years and I don't want to deal with my illness for years without hope I'll end up killing myself. Gawd. Why is this so hard? I'm sure the answer will present itself eventually..in some way.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Hope
As of lately I've been wondering do I just give up on hope? It's quite a dilemma I have on one hand I dearly want to. I want to say screw hope but on the other hand I can't. In all my being I can not give up on it. They are for two very very different reasons and that's why I am left where I am. Pondering what do I do?
Sunday, January 5, 2014
You know I haven't posted on here in over 2 years. A lot has happened in 2 years..Some good, Some bad but all in all. My life is still the same..well for one exception...I am now broken. I am broken to a point in which I do not think I can piece myself back together again. There will always be a part of me that is missing.
I always thought that I had reached rock bottom. I thought I had been there and climbed my way back, but looking back I realize that was nothing compared to what I am going through now. It just prepared me. It prepared me know what pain and hurt was. So that when this happened I would have a full grasp of what it was and to know that nothing that I have ever felt before would compare to this. Its kind of strange to think in that terms. To know that the awful pain and experiences that you survived only somewhat prepared you for your total destruction. Have you ever felt that way? Do you know what it is like to have half your soul ripped from you? Im sure some do but the masses don't. They don't know the pain that is involved with this and that nothing in your life has prepared you for this.
I am broken. I get that. I also get that I am never good enough. That there is always a better choice. That I will never be the girl of anyones dreams. I now get that. That is something that is the hardest to get a grasp on. To truly know that you will be alone forever bc no one will fight for you, will wan to be with you above all other things. That you as person will never be good enough. I get that now. No matter how nice I am or what I do for anyone it will never be enough. Sad really...but I guess its good to know that before you go wasting your life looking for someone to spend it with. I know I will always be alone. I will always be sad and that the smile I force will always be fake.
I am broken...and for once I am okay with that.
I always thought that I had reached rock bottom. I thought I had been there and climbed my way back, but looking back I realize that was nothing compared to what I am going through now. It just prepared me. It prepared me know what pain and hurt was. So that when this happened I would have a full grasp of what it was and to know that nothing that I have ever felt before would compare to this. Its kind of strange to think in that terms. To know that the awful pain and experiences that you survived only somewhat prepared you for your total destruction. Have you ever felt that way? Do you know what it is like to have half your soul ripped from you? Im sure some do but the masses don't. They don't know the pain that is involved with this and that nothing in your life has prepared you for this.
I am broken. I get that. I also get that I am never good enough. That there is always a better choice. That I will never be the girl of anyones dreams. I now get that. That is something that is the hardest to get a grasp on. To truly know that you will be alone forever bc no one will fight for you, will wan to be with you above all other things. That you as person will never be good enough. I get that now. No matter how nice I am or what I do for anyone it will never be enough. Sad really...but I guess its good to know that before you go wasting your life looking for someone to spend it with. I know I will always be alone. I will always be sad and that the smile I force will always be fake.
I am broken...and for once I am okay with that.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
My Illness
I post on twitter A LOT about my illness. I also get a lot of questions about it and the procedures that I get done. Not that I mind answering the questions, because I don't but I am lazy..I am not ashamed to admit that :P So I figured I would just write this entry and explain what I have and the procedure I am getting next week..see lazy ;)
I have a random CSF (CerebroSpinal Fluid) leak, A CSF leak is an escape of the fluid that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. Basically, my brain doesn't float, it rests on my skull when ever I stand up. Hence why I spend most days on the couch. Lying flat helps to equalize the fluid and provides some relief. I suffer from a constant headache, it is not your typical headache. No medications provide any relief from it. The best way to describe the pain, is that I have a constant ice cream headache but on bad days it is much worse. So now you understand why if you have migraines I call them baby headaches. Nothing personal but I would much rather a migraine.
How this happened..I wish I could say it was something awesome or glamorous like I was fighting Tigers in Africa or Rock climbing but no. I received a bad lumbar puncture (spinal tap) in the ER. Yep..one stupid doctor ruined my life. Let this be a lesson..NEVER EVER NEVER get a lumbar puncture in the ER. Make sure you have an x-ray guided one with someone who has done them before.
Most people can be fixed right away with a blood patch. A blood patch is a surgical procedure that provides immediate relief to the headache caused by leaking spinal fluid. Approximately 15-20 mls of blood is taken from a vein in the patient's arm and subsequently injected into the epidural space in the spine at the site of the spinal fluid leak.
I have a random CSF (CerebroSpinal Fluid) leak, A CSF leak is an escape of the fluid that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. Basically, my brain doesn't float, it rests on my skull when ever I stand up. Hence why I spend most days on the couch. Lying flat helps to equalize the fluid and provides some relief. I suffer from a constant headache, it is not your typical headache. No medications provide any relief from it. The best way to describe the pain, is that I have a constant ice cream headache but on bad days it is much worse. So now you understand why if you have migraines I call them baby headaches. Nothing personal but I would much rather a migraine.
How this happened..I wish I could say it was something awesome or glamorous like I was fighting Tigers in Africa or Rock climbing but no. I received a bad lumbar puncture (spinal tap) in the ER. Yep..one stupid doctor ruined my life. Let this be a lesson..NEVER EVER NEVER get a lumbar puncture in the ER. Make sure you have an x-ray guided one with someone who has done them before.
Most people can be fixed right away with a blood patch. A blood patch is a surgical procedure that provides immediate relief to the headache caused by leaking spinal fluid. Approximately 15-20 mls of blood is taken from a vein in the patient's arm and subsequently injected into the epidural space in the spine at the site of the spinal fluid leak.
The blood clots and seals the hole in the dura (the membrane which covers the spinal cord) which stops fluid from leaking out. The procedure is used to relieve severe headaches caused when an epidural, spinal needle, or diagnostic lumbar puncture punctures a hole in the dura.
I totally copied and pasted the info on the blood patch...LAZY..LOL. This will be my 13th blood patch, yah..that is unheard of. My condition is actually extremely rare since I have had it for over 4 years. Doctors are baffled by me. I have extremely low CSF a 3 or 4 last time it was checked..I believe average aka normal is over 15. They don't have a universal normal for CSF normal. Which I think is stupid.
So that is what is going on next Wednesday. Pretty exciting right? hahaha!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Twitter vs. Facebook
Today I realized something. I hate logging into Facebook. All these people who are my "friends" always post such happy shit. It makes me want to vomit most days. No one is that happy all the damn time. I am not saying all of them are like that but the majority are. Frankly, I am sick of it. They have such happy lives, with perfect families, perfect jobs, go to parties, have parties..bla bla bla. I have also noticed they are very self absorbed. Its all about them. They don't really interact with me, so really why I am I on your "friends" list? They don't care about my life or what is happening, again some do, but the majority of my 200 friends could care less. I don't care about your dumb kids, your great husband or anything else for that matter.
Then you go on Twitter, where most of your followers are actually strangers. you have no connection in any way and yet they care. they want to know about your day, maybe not every little detail, but they want to know. They comment on the billion pictures you post of your dogs. I get all mushy with them I love to see pictures of their dogs, cats, families, Hear their beautiful romantic stories and help them with problems if I can. I can write stupid things, vent and act crazy and they accept that. Again these are strangers who have become my friends. There is something wrong here.
Logically, it should be the other way around. I should love Facebook and hate Twitter, but I don't and from what I can tell many others are the same way. One of my Twitter friends really put it in perspective:
"thecarolineann fb is like tacking it to a billboard and beaming while everyone stares at you. tweeting is like sitting at lunch w friends."
I love Twitter and the people I have met and I have met some amazing people that I most likely would not have met on Facebook. Below are the Tweets I posted that was the inspiration behind this blog...
"Interesting fact about me: I hate going on fb & reading about all the happy lovey couples with their perfect fucking lives but..."
"I get all mushy happy when I read things about my tweeter family. I believe it bc tweeps on here are more real and peeps on fb are just not"
Then you go on Twitter, where most of your followers are actually strangers. you have no connection in any way and yet they care. they want to know about your day, maybe not every little detail, but they want to know. They comment on the billion pictures you post of your dogs. I get all mushy with them I love to see pictures of their dogs, cats, families, Hear their beautiful romantic stories and help them with problems if I can. I can write stupid things, vent and act crazy and they accept that. Again these are strangers who have become my friends. There is something wrong here.
Logically, it should be the other way around. I should love Facebook and hate Twitter, but I don't and from what I can tell many others are the same way. One of my Twitter friends really put it in perspective:
"thecarolineann fb is like tacking it to a billboard and beaming while everyone stares at you. tweeting is like sitting at lunch w friends."
I love Twitter and the people I have met and I have met some amazing people that I most likely would not have met on Facebook. Below are the Tweets I posted that was the inspiration behind this blog...
"Interesting fact about me: I hate going on fb & reading about all the happy lovey couples with their perfect fucking lives but...""I get all mushy happy when I read things about my tweeter family. I believe it bc tweeps on here are more real and peeps on fb are just not"
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
formspring.me
Who's the most beautiful person you know?
The most beautiful person I know is my best friend Holly. She is the full package..Inner and outer beauty
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Snow..
My dogs are crazy..lol. It snowed here so when I take them out they are all excited. then they hit the snow and you have never seen drama like this. Reznor lifts up his paws like he is walking on hot coals then lies down in the snow with all his feet off the snow. Calvin notices he is doing this and begins lifting his paws up as well. Diesel just looks at me and rolls his eyes. lol. I keep meaning to video it because it is so funny.
Its funny how their feet hurt so much but as soon as I mention going in they begin playing in the snow and take their time coming in.
Its funny how their feet hurt so much but as soon as I mention going in they begin playing in the snow and take their time coming in.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
New Year..New hope
being sick for almost 3 years does a lot to a person. It seems that when you have an illness that there are known treatments with some sort of relief it makes it more tolerable. In my case I don't have that since the doctor's don't know what to do with me. This is my story and how I came back from the edge...
The first year was hard but you have hope and denial. Hope, that you will get better quickly. Denial that it is actually happening to you. 2007 was when it all began. I had just turned 29 in January and life was going pretty well. I was working on my MBA, working at a great job and I was happy. In March I got the procedure that has changed my life. In February I had gotten sick, with a sinus infection. I had a headache that wouldn't go away and each day I felt worse. I still went to work because it was just a baby headache. Annoying, but manageable. The medication wasn't working and on Monday morning I went to the ER because I felt terrible. They said I should be better by Wednesday. I wasn't, if anything I was worse. I went to work on Thursday but was sent home because the doctor's thought I might have viral meningitis. I tried calling my primary doctor but couldn't get threw. So I went back to the ER. The date was March 1, 2007. They preformed a lumbar puncture on me in the ER. This was to confirm if I had menegitis or not. It was explained to me as simple as getting blood taken from my arm but it would be from my spine. The procedure was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life (since then I have felt even worse pain). It was like someone was ripping my left leg off threw my spine. I was crying and sweating it was horrible, I still cringe when I think about it. I lied down for an hour since i was waiting for my husband to come get me. They told us I needed lots of care and to take my meds. That was it.
When I got home I didn't feel so good. It felt like my hips were slowly being ripped apart. I could barely sit upright. As the night went on, I got worse. Friday morning I couldn't get off the couch. I wasn't hungry, thirsty or anything. I was in pain. Any sound or slightest movement drove me crazy. I started popping 2 vicodin every four hours. The wore off in 2 hours and weren't even really helping. I had the heat off since I was so hot, my back was always wet (little did I know, I was leaking out spinal fluid). By Saturday night I couldn't move without screaming. I even threw up water that's when I was taken back to the ER. On the way to the ER I threw up on the road, yes I opened the door of a moving car and threw up. once i arrived at the ER, I basically collapsed on the bed. I could barely talk and had to be flat. I was transported to a different hospital and admitted. They began pumping me full of IV fluids and pain medicine. It took me 12 hours to pee..lol. The next day i was given a blood patch, which is the normal procedure for this and I did feel a little better. So they sent me home. 4 hours later it was all back. My head was killing me, I had to be flat or I began crying. If I sneezed i could feel my brain bounce off my skull. I was given MRI's and they couldn't find anything. That first year - I went to specialists who had me on 28 pills a day. I had CT scans, MRI's, surgeries and 2 more blood patches. I went to a special hospital in MI. I got nanati's put in me, I was radioactive at one point. I had more needles in my spine. Did I mention..I HATE needles? I lost my job because metlife said there wasn't enough proof I was sick.
In the second year you still keep hope. You try to live your life as best you can but you focus on hope and being positive.
That was the year i went to Cali 3 times. I got fibrin glue injections, spine surgery and an experimental spine surgery. I also got 2 more mylograms. In Novemeber 2008 I was kind of on the mend after my last surgery (it was the experimental one). Then at physical thearpy something happened and it all came back full force and worse then ever. I couldn't afford to go back to Cali and they really didn't know what to do with me. I began to lose hope. In February 2009, I had a mental breakdown. I lost hope for anything. My friends had all disappeared, the ones that had stuck by me I was pushing away. I didn't know what to do anymore. No one except my thearpist, and now you, knows about this breakdown. I told no one. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I tried hard to hide it because I didn't want to lose those who were important to me. I failed. In April, I had another breakdown. I couldn't hide this one because i was having panic attacks as well. I filed for divorce that month as well. My life was falling apart and all I could do is watch it happen.
I also had the experience of calling 911. I was positive i was having a heart attack, it turned out to be spasms.
i did get approved for social secruity disability which was good but it meant i was actually sick. Pain management didn't help, but it was too late. I had given up. I was an emotional mess and managed to push everyone I loved away by being crazy. Some have stuck by me but most everyone else is gone.
In March 2010 will begin my fourth year. I am working on getting into the Mayo clinic. Even if that can't cure me I hope they can show me ways to live my life this way. I have decided that I am not giving up because without hope there is no future.
I may have to change how I live because of my limitations but I will push those limitations to the edge because i refuse to not live my life. I will not sit here and watch life pass me by because of this. I know I have a lot of work to do this year but I know I will get myself back. I will be happy, positive and experience what life has to offer.
This is the start of a new year, a new decade, a new me :)
The first year was hard but you have hope and denial. Hope, that you will get better quickly. Denial that it is actually happening to you. 2007 was when it all began. I had just turned 29 in January and life was going pretty well. I was working on my MBA, working at a great job and I was happy. In March I got the procedure that has changed my life. In February I had gotten sick, with a sinus infection. I had a headache that wouldn't go away and each day I felt worse. I still went to work because it was just a baby headache. Annoying, but manageable. The medication wasn't working and on Monday morning I went to the ER because I felt terrible. They said I should be better by Wednesday. I wasn't, if anything I was worse. I went to work on Thursday but was sent home because the doctor's thought I might have viral meningitis. I tried calling my primary doctor but couldn't get threw. So I went back to the ER. The date was March 1, 2007. They preformed a lumbar puncture on me in the ER. This was to confirm if I had menegitis or not. It was explained to me as simple as getting blood taken from my arm but it would be from my spine. The procedure was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life (since then I have felt even worse pain). It was like someone was ripping my left leg off threw my spine. I was crying and sweating it was horrible, I still cringe when I think about it. I lied down for an hour since i was waiting for my husband to come get me. They told us I needed lots of care and to take my meds. That was it.
When I got home I didn't feel so good. It felt like my hips were slowly being ripped apart. I could barely sit upright. As the night went on, I got worse. Friday morning I couldn't get off the couch. I wasn't hungry, thirsty or anything. I was in pain. Any sound or slightest movement drove me crazy. I started popping 2 vicodin every four hours. The wore off in 2 hours and weren't even really helping. I had the heat off since I was so hot, my back was always wet (little did I know, I was leaking out spinal fluid). By Saturday night I couldn't move without screaming. I even threw up water that's when I was taken back to the ER. On the way to the ER I threw up on the road, yes I opened the door of a moving car and threw up. once i arrived at the ER, I basically collapsed on the bed. I could barely talk and had to be flat. I was transported to a different hospital and admitted. They began pumping me full of IV fluids and pain medicine. It took me 12 hours to pee..lol. The next day i was given a blood patch, which is the normal procedure for this and I did feel a little better. So they sent me home. 4 hours later it was all back. My head was killing me, I had to be flat or I began crying. If I sneezed i could feel my brain bounce off my skull. I was given MRI's and they couldn't find anything. That first year - I went to specialists who had me on 28 pills a day. I had CT scans, MRI's, surgeries and 2 more blood patches. I went to a special hospital in MI. I got nanati's put in me, I was radioactive at one point. I had more needles in my spine. Did I mention..I HATE needles? I lost my job because metlife said there wasn't enough proof I was sick.
In the second year you still keep hope. You try to live your life as best you can but you focus on hope and being positive.
That was the year i went to Cali 3 times. I got fibrin glue injections, spine surgery and an experimental spine surgery. I also got 2 more mylograms. In Novemeber 2008 I was kind of on the mend after my last surgery (it was the experimental one). Then at physical thearpy something happened and it all came back full force and worse then ever. I couldn't afford to go back to Cali and they really didn't know what to do with me. I began to lose hope. In February 2009, I had a mental breakdown. I lost hope for anything. My friends had all disappeared, the ones that had stuck by me I was pushing away. I didn't know what to do anymore. No one except my thearpist, and now you, knows about this breakdown. I told no one. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I tried hard to hide it because I didn't want to lose those who were important to me. I failed. In April, I had another breakdown. I couldn't hide this one because i was having panic attacks as well. I filed for divorce that month as well. My life was falling apart and all I could do is watch it happen.
I also had the experience of calling 911. I was positive i was having a heart attack, it turned out to be spasms.
i did get approved for social secruity disability which was good but it meant i was actually sick. Pain management didn't help, but it was too late. I had given up. I was an emotional mess and managed to push everyone I loved away by being crazy. Some have stuck by me but most everyone else is gone.
In March 2010 will begin my fourth year. I am working on getting into the Mayo clinic. Even if that can't cure me I hope they can show me ways to live my life this way. I have decided that I am not giving up because without hope there is no future.
I may have to change how I live because of my limitations but I will push those limitations to the edge because i refuse to not live my life. I will not sit here and watch life pass me by because of this. I know I have a lot of work to do this year but I know I will get myself back. I will be happy, positive and experience what life has to offer.
This is the start of a new year, a new decade, a new me :)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Doggie...Its cold outside
Each morning, I wake up to the sweet whimpers of Reznor. He is still crated at night so he lets you know its time to get up and go potty. As soon as my eyes open I am assaulted by Diesel and Calvin. Morning kisses to start my day off perfectly.
I let Reznor out of his crate and take the boys outside. In winter, this is a big ordeal. The long lines are frozen, so I have to warm up the metal to get the clasp open. The wind is blowing and it is freezing out as I fumble with 3 lines. Once I finally get that done...they go and...play. In the freezing weather they are out there playing. Chasing the one leaf that is left, digging in the dirt, barking at people walking by. After about 20 minutes of freezing my ass off, its time to go in. No..this does not happen..Nope. The dogs decide that now they should potty. So I stand out there for another 10 minutes waiting. I can't go in because then they will stop what they are doing and run to the door because I am out of their sight. Once they are finally done, we come in and get a treat. I begin to thaw out when Reznor decides he has to go out again..He sits at the gate crying and howling. Outside we go where he plays with the rocks. No potty, just playing in the rocks. We come back in and Diesel decides he has to go out, so out I go..again.
This little potty game, lasts all day. Every 20-30 minutes I am taking one or all of them out, in the cold. I should mention..In the summer..we don't have this fun game. It is going to be a long long long winter.
I let Reznor out of his crate and take the boys outside. In winter, this is a big ordeal. The long lines are frozen, so I have to warm up the metal to get the clasp open. The wind is blowing and it is freezing out as I fumble with 3 lines. Once I finally get that done...they go and...play. In the freezing weather they are out there playing. Chasing the one leaf that is left, digging in the dirt, barking at people walking by. After about 20 minutes of freezing my ass off, its time to go in. No..this does not happen..Nope. The dogs decide that now they should potty. So I stand out there for another 10 minutes waiting. I can't go in because then they will stop what they are doing and run to the door because I am out of their sight. Once they are finally done, we come in and get a treat. I begin to thaw out when Reznor decides he has to go out again..He sits at the gate crying and howling. Outside we go where he plays with the rocks. No potty, just playing in the rocks. We come back in and Diesel decides he has to go out, so out I go..again.
This little potty game, lasts all day. Every 20-30 minutes I am taking one or all of them out, in the cold. I should mention..In the summer..we don't have this fun game. It is going to be a long long long winter.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
What I am thankful for!
I am thankful for my family, my wonderful boys and the wonderful life that I have. I wish all my friends and family a very very Happy Thanksgiving!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
To those who have touched my life..
In March, I will have been sick for 3 years. I have been threw a lot of up and downs, but have managed to have stayed positive and kept a smile on my face. If your reading this in some way you have touched my life. You may be my best friend or someone who I just tweet with. That being said...I am asking something from all of you...
1. Embrace everyday. You never know when something will instantly change your life forever.
2. Be true to you. Never change who you are for someone else. If they don't love you for who you are, they don't belong in your life.
3. Love without condition.
4. Be kind to those who love you. You may not feel the same way but that doesn't give you the right to hurt someone.
5. Always, Always, Always be able to laugh at yourself. Nothing is ever as bad as you think it is.
6. Don't be so serious that you suck the life out of those around you. Make sure you always keep a light heart and a happy attitude.
To all of you, thank you for your support. It has meant so much to me. Hugs xoxoxo
1. Embrace everyday. You never know when something will instantly change your life forever.
2. Be true to you. Never change who you are for someone else. If they don't love you for who you are, they don't belong in your life.
3. Love without condition.
4. Be kind to those who love you. You may not feel the same way but that doesn't give you the right to hurt someone.
5. Always, Always, Always be able to laugh at yourself. Nothing is ever as bad as you think it is.
6. Don't be so serious that you suck the life out of those around you. Make sure you always keep a light heart and a happy attitude.
To all of you, thank you for your support. It has meant so much to me. Hugs xoxoxo
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
You will never Pee alone again
I remember the days when I could go into the bathroom and enjoy a magazine or just some alone time. Not anymore..My dogs now feel that it is their job to be in their with me. As I walk to the bathroom the pitter patter of 12 little paws follow me. They smash into the door and begin playing the bathroom. TP rolls are shredded, the door stopper is played with and sometimes if I am lucky I have a puppy or 3 lying on my feet.
Reznor has special "bathroom toys" he only plays with them in the bathroom. They stay in the bathroom and he gets upset if they are moved into the other rooms.
Even if I make it into the bathroom alone. The scratching and whining breaks me. LOL.
I love my dogs..
Reznor has special "bathroom toys" he only plays with them in the bathroom. They stay in the bathroom and he gets upset if they are moved into the other rooms.
Even if I make it into the bathroom alone. The scratching and whining breaks me. LOL.
I love my dogs..
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
blurp, blurp, blurp
I was lying on my couch when I heard this "blurp, blurp, blurp" sound. I thought it might have been on the tv, so I muted it. Then there is was again "blurp, blurp, blurp". I for sure thought my basement was flooding because it had been raining a lot so I got up as I did I heard the sound again and out of the corner of my eye I saw Reznor at the water dish. He was making the sound. LOL. He was sticking his whole head in the water dish to try and get out a piece of food that he had dropped in the dish.
I called his name and he looked at me with a soaked face and a look of "what do you want, I am busy". Then he proceeds to dunk his head back into the dish, makes the "blurp, blurp, blurp" sound and dumps the water dish all over the floor. I should of just staied on the couch. LOL
I called his name and he looked at me with a soaked face and a look of "what do you want, I am busy". Then he proceeds to dunk his head back into the dish, makes the "blurp, blurp, blurp" sound and dumps the water dish all over the floor. I should of just staied on the couch. LOL
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