Lack of hope is a very dreadful place and leads to feelings of a depressing future whereas if you have hope your future seems brighter with more possibilities..I know the answer seems to be right there but it's not bc of the other reason..the reason I'm trying to forgot. Though maybe that is my answer once I forgot him then I won't have to give up on hope, I will just for now. Just until I'm over this huge painful event in my life but that could take years and I don't want to deal with my illness for years without hope I'll end up killing myself. Gawd. Why is this so hard? I'm sure the answer will present itself eventually..in some way.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Hope
As of lately I've been wondering do I just give up on hope? It's quite a dilemma I have on one hand I dearly want to. I want to say screw hope but on the other hand I can't. In all my being I can not give up on it. They are for two very very different reasons and that's why I am left where I am. Pondering what do I do?
Sunday, January 5, 2014
You know I haven't posted on here in over 2 years. A lot has happened in 2 years..Some good, Some bad but all in all. My life is still the same..well for one exception...I am now broken. I am broken to a point in which I do not think I can piece myself back together again. There will always be a part of me that is missing.
I always thought that I had reached rock bottom. I thought I had been there and climbed my way back, but looking back I realize that was nothing compared to what I am going through now. It just prepared me. It prepared me know what pain and hurt was. So that when this happened I would have a full grasp of what it was and to know that nothing that I have ever felt before would compare to this. Its kind of strange to think in that terms. To know that the awful pain and experiences that you survived only somewhat prepared you for your total destruction. Have you ever felt that way? Do you know what it is like to have half your soul ripped from you? Im sure some do but the masses don't. They don't know the pain that is involved with this and that nothing in your life has prepared you for this.
I am broken. I get that. I also get that I am never good enough. That there is always a better choice. That I will never be the girl of anyones dreams. I now get that. That is something that is the hardest to get a grasp on. To truly know that you will be alone forever bc no one will fight for you, will wan to be with you above all other things. That you as person will never be good enough. I get that now. No matter how nice I am or what I do for anyone it will never be enough. Sad really...but I guess its good to know that before you go wasting your life looking for someone to spend it with. I know I will always be alone. I will always be sad and that the smile I force will always be fake.
I am broken...and for once I am okay with that.
I always thought that I had reached rock bottom. I thought I had been there and climbed my way back, but looking back I realize that was nothing compared to what I am going through now. It just prepared me. It prepared me know what pain and hurt was. So that when this happened I would have a full grasp of what it was and to know that nothing that I have ever felt before would compare to this. Its kind of strange to think in that terms. To know that the awful pain and experiences that you survived only somewhat prepared you for your total destruction. Have you ever felt that way? Do you know what it is like to have half your soul ripped from you? Im sure some do but the masses don't. They don't know the pain that is involved with this and that nothing in your life has prepared you for this.
I am broken. I get that. I also get that I am never good enough. That there is always a better choice. That I will never be the girl of anyones dreams. I now get that. That is something that is the hardest to get a grasp on. To truly know that you will be alone forever bc no one will fight for you, will wan to be with you above all other things. That you as person will never be good enough. I get that now. No matter how nice I am or what I do for anyone it will never be enough. Sad really...but I guess its good to know that before you go wasting your life looking for someone to spend it with. I know I will always be alone. I will always be sad and that the smile I force will always be fake.
I am broken...and for once I am okay with that.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
My Illness
I post on twitter A LOT about my illness. I also get a lot of questions about it and the procedures that I get done. Not that I mind answering the questions, because I don't but I am lazy..I am not ashamed to admit that :P So I figured I would just write this entry and explain what I have and the procedure I am getting next week..see lazy ;)
I have a random CSF (CerebroSpinal Fluid) leak, A CSF leak is an escape of the fluid that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. Basically, my brain doesn't float, it rests on my skull when ever I stand up. Hence why I spend most days on the couch. Lying flat helps to equalize the fluid and provides some relief. I suffer from a constant headache, it is not your typical headache. No medications provide any relief from it. The best way to describe the pain, is that I have a constant ice cream headache but on bad days it is much worse. So now you understand why if you have migraines I call them baby headaches. Nothing personal but I would much rather a migraine.
How this happened..I wish I could say it was something awesome or glamorous like I was fighting Tigers in Africa or Rock climbing but no. I received a bad lumbar puncture (spinal tap) in the ER. Yep..one stupid doctor ruined my life. Let this be a lesson..NEVER EVER NEVER get a lumbar puncture in the ER. Make sure you have an x-ray guided one with someone who has done them before.
Most people can be fixed right away with a blood patch. A blood patch is a surgical procedure that provides immediate relief to the headache caused by leaking spinal fluid. Approximately 15-20 mls of blood is taken from a vein in the patient's arm and subsequently injected into the epidural space in the spine at the site of the spinal fluid leak.
I have a random CSF (CerebroSpinal Fluid) leak, A CSF leak is an escape of the fluid that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. Basically, my brain doesn't float, it rests on my skull when ever I stand up. Hence why I spend most days on the couch. Lying flat helps to equalize the fluid and provides some relief. I suffer from a constant headache, it is not your typical headache. No medications provide any relief from it. The best way to describe the pain, is that I have a constant ice cream headache but on bad days it is much worse. So now you understand why if you have migraines I call them baby headaches. Nothing personal but I would much rather a migraine.
How this happened..I wish I could say it was something awesome or glamorous like I was fighting Tigers in Africa or Rock climbing but no. I received a bad lumbar puncture (spinal tap) in the ER. Yep..one stupid doctor ruined my life. Let this be a lesson..NEVER EVER NEVER get a lumbar puncture in the ER. Make sure you have an x-ray guided one with someone who has done them before.
Most people can be fixed right away with a blood patch. A blood patch is a surgical procedure that provides immediate relief to the headache caused by leaking spinal fluid. Approximately 15-20 mls of blood is taken from a vein in the patient's arm and subsequently injected into the epidural space in the spine at the site of the spinal fluid leak.
The blood clots and seals the hole in the dura (the membrane which covers the spinal cord) which stops fluid from leaking out. The procedure is used to relieve severe headaches caused when an epidural, spinal needle, or diagnostic lumbar puncture punctures a hole in the dura.
I totally copied and pasted the info on the blood patch...LAZY..LOL. This will be my 13th blood patch, yah..that is unheard of. My condition is actually extremely rare since I have had it for over 4 years. Doctors are baffled by me. I have extremely low CSF a 3 or 4 last time it was checked..I believe average aka normal is over 15. They don't have a universal normal for CSF normal. Which I think is stupid.
So that is what is going on next Wednesday. Pretty exciting right? hahaha!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Twitter vs. Facebook
Today I realized something. I hate logging into Facebook. All these people who are my "friends" always post such happy shit. It makes me want to vomit most days. No one is that happy all the damn time. I am not saying all of them are like that but the majority are. Frankly, I am sick of it. They have such happy lives, with perfect families, perfect jobs, go to parties, have parties..bla bla bla. I have also noticed they are very self absorbed. Its all about them. They don't really interact with me, so really why I am I on your "friends" list? They don't care about my life or what is happening, again some do, but the majority of my 200 friends could care less. I don't care about your dumb kids, your great husband or anything else for that matter.
Then you go on Twitter, where most of your followers are actually strangers. you have no connection in any way and yet they care. they want to know about your day, maybe not every little detail, but they want to know. They comment on the billion pictures you post of your dogs. I get all mushy with them I love to see pictures of their dogs, cats, families, Hear their beautiful romantic stories and help them with problems if I can. I can write stupid things, vent and act crazy and they accept that. Again these are strangers who have become my friends. There is something wrong here.
Logically, it should be the other way around. I should love Facebook and hate Twitter, but I don't and from what I can tell many others are the same way. One of my Twitter friends really put it in perspective:
"thecarolineann fb is like tacking it to a billboard and beaming while everyone stares at you. tweeting is like sitting at lunch w friends."
I love Twitter and the people I have met and I have met some amazing people that I most likely would not have met on Facebook. Below are the Tweets I posted that was the inspiration behind this blog...
"Interesting fact about me: I hate going on fb & reading about all the happy lovey couples with their perfect fucking lives but..."
"I get all mushy happy when I read things about my tweeter family. I believe it bc tweeps on here are more real and peeps on fb are just not"
Then you go on Twitter, where most of your followers are actually strangers. you have no connection in any way and yet they care. they want to know about your day, maybe not every little detail, but they want to know. They comment on the billion pictures you post of your dogs. I get all mushy with them I love to see pictures of their dogs, cats, families, Hear their beautiful romantic stories and help them with problems if I can. I can write stupid things, vent and act crazy and they accept that. Again these are strangers who have become my friends. There is something wrong here.
Logically, it should be the other way around. I should love Facebook and hate Twitter, but I don't and from what I can tell many others are the same way. One of my Twitter friends really put it in perspective:
"thecarolineann fb is like tacking it to a billboard and beaming while everyone stares at you. tweeting is like sitting at lunch w friends."
I love Twitter and the people I have met and I have met some amazing people that I most likely would not have met on Facebook. Below are the Tweets I posted that was the inspiration behind this blog...
"Interesting fact about me: I hate going on fb & reading about all the happy lovey couples with their perfect fucking lives but...""I get all mushy happy when I read things about my tweeter family. I believe it bc tweeps on here are more real and peeps on fb are just not"
Saturday, May 22, 2010
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