Hope

As of lately I've been wondering do I just give up on hope? It's quite a dilemma I have on one hand I dearly want to. I want to say screw hope but on the other hand I can't. In all my being I can not give up on it. They are for two very very different reasons and that's why I am left where I am. Pondering what do I do? 

Lack of hope is a very dreadful place and leads to feelings of a depressing future whereas if you have hope your future seems brighter with more possibilities..I know the answer seems to be right there but it's not bc of the other reason..the reason I'm trying to forgot. Though maybe that is my answer once I forgot him then I won't have to give up on hope, I will just for now. Just until I'm over this huge painful event in my life but that could take years and I don't want to deal with my illness for years without hope I'll end up killing myself. Gawd. Why is this so hard? I'm sure the answer will present itself eventually..in some way.