Wednesday, January 6, 2010

New Year..New hope

being sick for almost 3 years does a lot to a person. It seems that when you have an illness that there are known treatments with some sort of relief it makes it more tolerable. In my case I don't have that since the doctor's don't know what to do with me. This is my story and how I came back from the edge...
The first year was hard but you have hope and denial. Hope, that you will get better quickly. Denial that it is actually happening to you. 2007 was when it all began. I had just turned 29 in January and life was going pretty well. I was working on my MBA, working at a great job and I was happy. In March I got the procedure that has changed my life. In February I had gotten sick, with a sinus infection. I had a headache that wouldn't go away and each day I felt worse. I still went to work because it was just a baby headache. Annoying, but manageable. The medication wasn't working and on Monday morning I went to the ER because I felt terrible. They said I should be better by Wednesday. I wasn't, if anything I was worse. I went to work on Thursday but was sent home because the doctor's thought I might have viral meningitis. I tried calling my primary doctor but couldn't get threw. So I went back to the ER. The date was March 1, 2007. They preformed a lumbar puncture on me in the ER. This was to confirm if I had menegitis or not. It was explained to me as simple as getting blood taken from my arm but it would be from my spine. The procedure was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life (since then I have felt even worse pain). It was like someone was ripping my left leg off threw my spine. I was crying and sweating it was horrible, I still cringe when I think about it. I lied down for an hour since i was waiting for my husband to come get me. They told us I needed lots of care and to take my meds. That was it.
When I got home I didn't feel so good. It felt like my hips were slowly being ripped apart. I could barely sit upright. As the night went on, I got worse. Friday morning I couldn't get off the couch. I wasn't hungry, thirsty or anything. I was in pain. Any sound or slightest movement drove me crazy. I started popping 2 vicodin every four hours. The wore off in 2 hours and weren't even really helping. I had the heat off since I was so hot, my back was always wet (little did I know, I was leaking out spinal fluid). By Saturday night I couldn't move without screaming. I even threw up water that's when I was taken back to the ER. On the way to the ER I threw up on the road, yes I opened the door of a moving car and threw up. once i arrived at the ER, I basically collapsed on the bed. I could barely talk and had to be flat. I was transported to a different hospital and admitted. They began pumping me full of IV fluids and pain medicine. It took me 12 hours to The next day i was given a blood patch, which is the normal procedure for this and I did feel a little better. So they sent me home. 4 hours later it was all back. My head was killing me, I had to be flat or I began crying. If I sneezed i could feel my brain bounce off my skull. I was given MRI's and they couldn't find anything. That first year - I went to specialists who had me on 28 pills a day. I had CT scans, MRI's, surgeries and 2 more blood patches. I went to a special hospital in MI. I got nanati's put in me, I was radioactive at one point. I had more needles in my spine. Did I mention..I HATE needles? I lost my job because metlife said there wasn't enough proof I was sick.

In the second year you still keep hope. You try to live your life as best you can but you focus on hope and being positive.
That was the year i went to Cali 3 times. I got fibrin glue injections, spine surgery and an experimental spine surgery. I also got 2 more mylograms. In Novemeber 2008 I was kind of on the mend after my last surgery (it was the experimental one). Then at physical thearpy something happened and it all came back full force and worse then ever. I couldn't afford to go back to Cali and they really didn't know what to do with me. I began to lose hope. In February 2009, I had a mental breakdown. I lost hope for anything. My friends had all disappeared, the ones that had stuck by me I was pushing away. I didn't know what to do anymore. No one except my thearpist, and now you, knows about this breakdown. I told no one. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I tried hard to hide it because I didn't want to lose those who were important to me. I failed. In April, I had another breakdown. I couldn't hide this one because i was having panic attacks as well. I filed for divorce that month as well. My life was falling apart and all I could do is watch it happen.
I also had the experience of calling 911. I was positive i was having a heart attack, it turned out to be spasms.
i did get approved for social secruity disability which was good but it meant i was actually sick. Pain management didn't help, but it was too late. I had given up. I was an emotional mess and managed to push everyone I loved away by being crazy. Some have stuck by me but most everyone else is gone.

In March 2010 will begin my fourth year. I am working on getting into the Mayo clinic. Even if that can't cure me I hope they can show me ways to live my life this way. I have decided that I am not giving up because without hope there is no future.

I may have to change how I live because of my limitations but I will push those limitations to the edge because i refuse to not live my life. I will not sit here and watch life pass me by because of this. I know I have a lot of work to do this year but I know I will get myself back. I will be happy, positive and experience what life has to offer.

This is the start of a new year, a new decade, a new me :)

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing this chica. I knew part of the story but I appreciate knowing exactly what you have been through so far. I know it's a struggle but keep trying to put a positive spin on life. *hugs*